You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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