The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
