Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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