fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Two words: nipple clamps
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