you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
