I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
