His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
