It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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