so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
