I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
