her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
