Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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