Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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