I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize