She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
