Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
