Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
