so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
