it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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