Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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