I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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