oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my shit smells like andre
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
