I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
