I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
