I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
