It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
