I think I died a long time ago.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
