she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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