I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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