theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
