Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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