can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
well you can't waste a boner
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
