Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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