were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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