Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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