My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
