i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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