You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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