If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize