I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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