Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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