i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
