I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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