Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
