my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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