Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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