And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
