It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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