WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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