hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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