i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
