tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
