Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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