Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
