i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
