I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm just crazy horny about you
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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