I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
