Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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