I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
