My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
