He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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