Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
